Walk into any grocery store right now and you’ll see it — shelves lined with “functional” drinks, “gut healthy” sodas, and “clean” candy bars.

They look better than ever.

They’re marketed better than ever.

And yet… they’re making us sicker than ever.

We’re not just selling snacks — we’re selling sickness.

And, we’re calling it entrepreneurship.

Brands like PRIME, Alani Nutrition, CELSIUS, Feastables, OLIPOP, and GHOST are dominating shelves and social feeds.

They’ve completely nailed the formula:

Hyper-palatable
Hyper-branded
Hyper-addictive
Wrapped in “wellness” language and sleek, cool packaging

But, at the end of the day, many of these products are really just sugar, caffeine, synthetic sweeteners, and chemicals in disguise.

A dopamine hit in a can or wrapper.

Marketed as health.

Engineered for addiction.

Poppi recently settled an $8.9M class action lawsuit over its gut health claims — because in reality, you’d need to drink four cans a day to see any benefit (!!!).

It’s a prime example of what I like to call “wellness theater”:

Slap a buzzword on a label
Sprinkle in an inconsequential microdose of a trendy ingredient
Sell it as “functional” or “healthy” despite synthetic sweeteners, preservatives, additives, and ultra-processed ingredients

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Let’s be honest here:

PRIME isn’t hydration. It’s stimulant-laced Kool-Aid for kids.
Alani Nutrition & CELSIUS are anxiety in a can.
Feastables is candy with a nicer font.
OLIPOP is soda dressed up in fiber, but still trains a sweet palate.
GHOST is gym culture meets the candy aisle.

We are:

Normalizing caffeine and sugar for children
Gifting ultra-processed treats as “wellness” snacks
Rewarding metabolic dysfunction with shelf space and VC dollars
Prioritizing virality over viability

This isn’t about canceling candy or banning beverages.

It’s about asking better questions:

What are we really celebrating?

What are we really consuming?

Because if a business model depends on dysregulation, stimulation, and repeat purchase behavior that drives chronic disease…

That’s not functional.

That’s not health.

That’s not innovation.

That’s exploitation.

The CPG industry doesn’t need more gimmicks.

It needs more integrity.

What kind of brands do you want to see rise in the next era of CPG? Drop them below in the comments.

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The Thursday Take – Wellness Theater: The CPG…